I need to get my stuff together. I am much too at ease with letting everything slip away. I think I’ve always been semi-bad at setting goals and accomplishing them. Although, you have to say in the overall of life I’m doing pretty well. I’ve got a job, I’ve got a wife that I love, I’ve got a home, I’ve got a cat. I graduated college, I’m making bank. So these are all fairly big things and I’m quite good at accomplishing these kinds of things.

Or something lets me accomplish them. I would be a fool to think that I accomplished this myself, because I haven’t. Honestly, I was up to bat and Barry Bonds took my swing for me and put it out of the park.

I sort of feel like I’m on a roller coaster and all I have to do to succeed is not jump off.

My problem is in the details. I let the clock fly for too long without putting up a fight. You can’t win a fight with the wind anyhow. But perhaps the fight, even if inevitably lost, is worth fighting. I try to set goals for myself but it generally doesn’t happen. I get obsessed for a week or two and then it’s lost to the myriad of other things that interest me. Perhaps there just isn’t enough time? Eternity’s greatest gift is time. There would be time then, and hopefully I wouldn’t need glasses to read.

Maybe I need more form to my writing, although I consider the greatest thing I’ve ever written a piece of work that was all stream of consciousness, so I go with what’s been successful in the past. Not planning the next word, just letting it fly off my fingers at over a hundred words per minute. (Being able to type fast is one of those things that is helpful to someone like me.)

Maybe I need to write in this blog more, maybe I need to exercise more, maybe I need to eat better, maybe I need to read more, maybe I need to program more. Take out the maybe’s and you’ve got what I really need to do. My excuse used to be school, there wasn’t enough time I told myself. But what excuse do I have now that I never have to go to school again?

Can I change behavior? It starts with the attitude.

How do I feel about being out of shape? Do I hate my body enough to get into shape?

Do I want to be a better developer and learn new technologies?

Do I want to be a better writer? Do I want to be a better reader?

___

I think I just realized that I haven’t written anything not about me. Even this sidebar is about me. But then again, is this writing not for me? I get 4 or 5 hits a day max.

Maybe I should try my hand at writing a short story. Perhaps I have the perspective to actually view the world through someone else’s eyes and weave a tale in that way.

Time, the rustling of the wind, will whisper as it glides by, so focus on its message.

We live and we fight against the inevitable, but all is not lost.

My wife and I have come to the conclusion that we don’t like people, in general. At least we like the other, I said. But it’s true, I don’t like most people and what I find so interesting is that it’s so easy, perhaps too easy, for a relationship to be completely broken. One word, one event, that’s all it takes sometimes.

Not that it is really the one word or event that caused the relationship to break down, it’s the divergence of visions of life. Because we think before we act and before we speak and most people are not liars, and those who are are found out.

I love Ashley, I really do. It becomes more apparent to me how much freedom comes with being married. Some see it as shackles, bonded for life. I see it as shackles, bonded for life, a foundation which cannot be broken, a fortress which can weather any storm. It gives us the opportunity to be better than we could be alone. It gives us the opportunity to take chances we otherwise couldn’t. It gives us the opportunity to live on our principles. Because every time one of us falls down the other is there ready and waiting to pick the other back up.

Perhaps there will be more thoughts to come…

People taking out mortgages they can’t afford, banks actually lending people money they can’t pay back (note: imo, the people who signed these mortgages are at fault and if the banks go down with them its the banks fault). There is no reason to bail out the people who made the choice to get the mortgage or the bank who gave it to them.

On to the real point: The delegates from the Michigan and Florida democratic primaries should not be seated and there should not be a revote. You break the rules, you take the consequences, live with it.

Shouldn’t the real story be about people in these two states being irate over the stupidity of their respective state congresses to break the DNC rules?

Instead of people being held accountable all the stories are about possible revotes and how not to “disenfranchise” the voters. I think Floridians should consider possibly voting out all the politicians that voted for this to happen.

But then, I guess I should be happy North Carolina’s democratic primary will actually mean something. I haven’t registered to vote yet but I’ll register as Independent when I do. It’ll be an interesting election.

It’s a little tough. The more I see these events unfold, the more I really see the truth. You can’t control other people. But that shouldn’t be your goal anyway. I’m not a manipulative person, and I detest people that are. And there is no one on this earth that could convince me that I actually like manipulative people.

And thus is life.

So with this knowledge, what do we do? I think the best thing to do is calmly make your case known, but don’t press it. If you communicate effectively what you think, then you’ve done a service to the receiving party because they now know how you feel, and you’ve done a service to yourself, because you’ve said what you wanted to.

I think the only action after this can be clarification or restatement of your positions, and that only when asked directly. Don’t be looking for a chance to blab about what you think all the time.

And make sure to listen, make sure to empathize at least and sympathize at best. Be honest and fair, but in addition hold your position as long as it is what you think is true.

And remember always that any challenge is good, because it is an opportunity to learn, an opportunity to grow. Don’t be worried about mistakes, don’t worry about faltering, because these ultimately give you strength.

So here is me continuing on the path.  Where it leads I don’t know, but I’ve liked it so far.

I have no respect for her “fiancee” and think that he is a leech on this earth. He has no respect for people or their property and he cries like a baby any time things don’t go his way. He only takes, he never gives. He is disingenuous. His parents give him whatever he wants. He’s 24 and yet still remains a spoiled child.

And I get it, he has bad parents. And that’s sad.

I don’t have a problem with him. It’s his effect on Tess that I can’t stand.  Not that she isn’t a participant and perhaps willing, but she doesn’t seem to be the person I used to know. And I miss that, because she was a good person. She was humble and kind and I was glad to have her as a sister-in-law.

Now that they’re engaged I fear she’s making the biggest mistake of her life. Dustin has no respect for her family, and will eventually have no respect for her. And I hate to see her waste her life on him.

But after all that, the real question is: Can I let go? Can I let go of the anger? Can I let go?

Because the bottom line is this: You can’t control what other people do.

You can’t control what other people do and you can’t let what they do control you. So you have to let go and you have to let whatever will happen happen. And I’m not saying that you should just detach and not say anything to anyone about what they’re doing, because your input can be valuable, but remember to let go.

So here is me trying to let go.

What is it? Well the title of the post might have given you a hint, I need cooking lessons.

But before cooking lessons, I need discipline.

For instance, it is currently 5:46am, why am I up so late (or early)? Because I lack the discipline to go to sleep. And I have killer insomnia. But my insomnia lacks the discipline to let me sleep. So it’s all my fault really (except it’s really my mom’s).

What I plan to do is write, right here, what I plan to do in the short term and long term. And then as time goes on I will post whether or not I accomplished my goals. Sort of a way to get me to do stuff and be…wait for it…disciplined.

I spend too much time just kind of wasting away and it’s not cool and I need to be more productive and I need to just get more done. I want to make it a habit, so I guess I have to stick with it for 2 weeks at least, to give it a fair chance to sink in.

Alright, less wasting time with idle chit chat (my specialty), and more production of short term and long term goals.

First, I will do my homework for class tomorrow. I actually did part of it yesterday, so for that I give myself a pat on the back. This homework includes:

• International Econ homework – PTtC(Projected Time to Complete): 30-45mins
• Tutorial #2 for IntroGDD – PTtC: 1 hour
• Study for IntroGDD Quiz – PTtC: 30 mins (sphere to sphere collision, vector math)

Whew, sounds great. There is about 2 hours of my life tomorrow.

For next week I will have accomplished:

• Studied and taken Money and Banking exam.
• Studied and taken IntroGDD quiz.
• Scheduled meeting with Lejk about Graduation.
• Gone to the doctor.
• Updated my resume to send to Duke Energy.
• Paid rent.
• Put in timesheet for work.
• Work on a making a computer program to do something (Maybe this should be “Come up with ideas for writing some software, preferably web based”).
• Make a blog post on dovenomics.
• Obsessively checking my score and the stock market via CAPS Motley fool website.

Long term goals:

• Buy a house.
• Buy a new car for Ashley.
• Buy a new car for myself (Subaru WRX, yes plz).
• Get a good job that I like.
• Invest in the stock market.

Pretty decent list. Now I just need to start doing this stuff. And I think that maybe I need to start keeping some kind of little hand journal or something so I can write down very short term goals, until I just do it in my head by habit.

Well stay tuned, because next week we’ll have a post that details if I actually accomplished what I said I would.

Knock.

Knock.

It’s opportunity. It wants you, Neo. It has been looking for you.

I just can’t help but embrace everything coming my way. Extra projects in school, trying out for a band, being part of a start up.

I was reading an article the other day, as I’m prone to do, and it was about opportunity and careers. Basically saying you should look at your career as a stock portfolio, and that you should diversify over your life what you do. Doing some risky ventures here, and doing some conservative ones in other situations. One thing that I think stuck with me was that the author mentioned that he would see people be offered the opportunity to talk about a startup and they wouldn’t take it. They’d just stay in their same old job, that they may or may not like. Who knows what could’ve come about if you just went?

And it is with that attitude that I’ve been living lately. A friend called me up and wanted me to try out for a band, so I did. As we were driving to the audition, he mentioned an idea he had for a website. The band audition didn’t go that well, but we talked more and more about the website and now I’m part of a 3 man outfit destined to take over the world.

So did the band opportunity go well? No, but look what it got me. I think that I got what I wanted. I think that you just have to be honest with what you want to do.

Everything is good, follow your heart. Follow your heart, everything is good.

Why is an exclamation point not a complete sentence? I’m just curious.

So I like being married. Everyone always asks me and it annoys me because people are like, so how’s married life? have any kids yet? she make you sleep on the couch yet? And I have a rule on principle not to answer people who ask me questions like that. But if I were going to answer people it would be here, I like being married. It’s a little different and it’s still weird and I’m starting to wonder if it’s ever not weird, but I like it.

I’m freaking married. Can anyone else believe it? I know Ashley thinks the same thing. You come home everyday and there your spouse is (most of the time). And it’s good. We’re all grown up now right? Probably not.

I’m freaking married. Did I just blow your mind? There she is, every night and every morning. She wakes up early, or I wake up early, and then the other one is still asleep and as the person who had to get up early leaves, you can think, ‘well atleast one of us gets to sleep in.’

I’m freaking married! I guess as I think about it it’s kind of more crazy than I could have ever thought. And I still don’t think you ever can fully realize what it meant. ever. !.

The problem now though is this. I have this job. I’m married.

What does that sound like to you? How old am I?

This is the problem: I’m still in college. Maybe it’s senioritis, I don’t know. But I’m serious, with this job and with this marriage, college seems like a huge waste of my time. I take these quizzes and tests on completely worthless information and I just don’t care anymore, I care less than I’ve ever not cared before, which means I really don’t care.

I’m interested in some of my classes, I’m actually interested, but some of my teachers just sit there and drone on about completely worthless stuff and I can’t help but think, why am I here? And then I take a test, and I’m thinking, if this were work it’d be completely different.

Completely different. I take this quiz in my game design class, and one of the questions (one of the many worthless questions) was “what game did the columbine shooters play?” Are you kidding me? And I knew it was between Doom and Quake, and I think I went with Quake, but it was Doom. But can anyone tell me how this is helping me as a person to either understand a problem or learn how to better solve a problem?

This is how this would’ve gone down at work.

“Hey Alex, Do you remember what game the columbine shooters played?”

And then I would’ve searched around for about two seconds on the internet and found this(on wikipedia):

“Both Harris and Klebold were fans of video games such as Doom and Wolfenstein 3D. “

And I would’ve said “Oh they played Doom and Wolfenstein 3D.”

“Thanks”

“Np.”

And then in my money and banking class…wow. The teacher knows his stuff, you can tell he really knows what he’s talking about. He’ll go off on these interesting tangents about stocks and bonds and how the system works and I’m like, awesome this is a good class. But then on the test he asks questions like “In the text, there was a graph that said what?”

WHAT? If I’m paying for you to teach me, why are you delegating your teaching responsibility to a book? Come on dude, stop wasting our time and tell us about stocks and bonds, not about graphs in an overpriced textbook. We would be better served by this college if you taught us how to manage a stock portfolio or how to wisely invest in bonds.

Is anyone else feeling this?

I feel like college is holding me back. Just give me my degree so I can get out of here and start making bank and start actually being useful. Especially at my job, I’m basically a replacement for a full time employee but I work probably half the time a full time person would. And I don’t get paid as much. And I don’t get health insurance. Why? Because the college hasn’t given me a piece of paper that says I sat through so many hours of classes and listened to teachers drone on about completely worthless information and then on set aside days I regurgitated that information onto a piece of paper. And depending on how well I can regurgitate is how close to 4 that GPA number is.

I feel like my life’s already started. I have a good job in the field that I want to be in. I’m married.

But I still have to get through this BS called school. And I feel like it’s holding my life back. Let’s go already. I’m ready.

It’s no wonder they call it a BS in computer science.

I looked on Yahoo! Hot Jobs, and found a couple that I sent my resume to. But we’ll see, because those jobs were full time and generally were looking for people who already had a college degree and some experience.

I also tried Monster.com, but again, most were looking for full time people with college degrees.

Then I applied for a job with Time Warner Cable, a tech support job. And I think I might get that one.

I need to do something worthwhile. I need to do something constructive.

My thing is kind of stream of consciousness writing and I don’t think I should break that. I’ve always felt like you should be truthful always, and are you not denying yourself by thinking about what you’re writing? Although I guess most people actually have to think about what they’re doing to do a good job, and that probably holds true for writing also, but I just let it flow and it usually comes out alright, I’m not going to make any money off of this this is just for me, and anyone who cares to read it.

I’m getting married in about a month and its all starting to come together and its all starting to be like, whoa I’m getting married isn’t it weird? It is kind of weird actually but I was thinking about how people in our society (at least Americans) are always looking for ways out of responsibility. No one wants any responsibility for themselves at all and I think its getting to a pretty ridiculous point. All those predatory lenders! All those companies that push advertising! All those plastic surgeons! All those spouses who are impossible to live with! We should all be free of these horrible, horrible things lest they compromise our own character. Does anyone have responsibility anymore? Is it there or did we decide that it died when God did?

So I asked a friend of mine whether or not an animal had ever committed suicide. I asked this because I had read an article about how scientists were one step closer to figuring out that our thoughts are only chemicals and electrical signals. So I thought to myself, ok, so if humans are just animals, and because evolution coincides with Natural Selection and an instinct to survive, then that means if humans can commit suicide than shouldn’t animals also have been reported to have committed suicide? Admittedly, it’s kind of a horrible thing to talk about suicide, but it makes the point. My friend said it himself, its counter intuitive. And it is, why, or maybe how, would someone deny their instinct of survival? I guess its an easy argument if you believe in evolution, we evolved the ability to “take ourselves out of the gene pool.” Because obviously if you’re committing suicide then you must not be worth anything anyway.

So we’re all just animals, there is no objective truth, the only reality is the one you create. In fact, the reality that you create isn’t even real because its just your brain interpreting electrical signals and chemical reactions occurring. Shall we take a stroll down the road of moral relativism? No really, lets have at it. I tend to like to kill people, on a daily basis. Thats the way I was raised and thats just good parenting. Society doesn’t agree with me though, but whatever, society can’t tell me what to do, they’re all just a bunch of animals anyway. Well, I guess people can see the flaw in that. I mean, come on, you can do whatever you want, just not if it hurts someone else. Kind of rambling now.

So apparently life comes from non-life. I learned that today. I hear you need lightning to get it all started. Some RNA and DNA strands also need to be lying around. Oh, and you need planets too, preferably with water. Now the planets came from a super dense “something” that contained all matter and then exploded, well, because there was a lot of hydrogen and oxygen in it of course, and this really big zippo was lying next to it. So Bam! emeril created the universe. Billions? of years pass and some lightning happens and you’ve got your one celled amoeba. more millions of years, hmm thats weird. Say there is an instinct to survive, why? Whats the point? To procreate so our species can evolve into something more? Woo hoo?

Why save anyones life? Whatever behavior they were doing obviously caused them to get into a situation where they might die so they need to be out of our gene pool.

But, all in all, who can blame us.

We’re just animals.